I am in no way, shape or form - perfect. I have big troubles and little troubles, just like everyone. One of the reasons I ended my marriage was to gain my independence. Independence meant making my own decisions without anyone really leading me & my thoughts.
The two year mark is quickly approaching. Looking back, I’ve made some really bad decisions. I don’t regret anything though. Every bad decision had a valuable lesson I needed to learn.
Now I understand what was meant by the statement, “consider yourself blessed if you have one good friend in your lifetime”. I thought I did. Man, was I ever wrong.
I thought a best friend was trustworthy, loyal? After 20 years of friendship, I was stabbed in the back. I still haven’t been able to make sense of it. I can’t see what was gained by betraying my trust. It’s something I would have never done to my best friend. I should have expected it. I can’t even trust my own mother, I don’t know how I allowed myself to trust someone who basically is a stranger.
Trust is not something that should automatically be given when dealing with anyone. I’ve learned that now. I’ve learned that people do & say things, make up lies, stretch the truth because they’re jealous (among other things). Jealousy is the one emotion I’ve had to learn to accept in my life. I deal with it on a daily basis. It’s ugly and destructive. It destroys the good in people if they allow it to settle in.
When I was born, jealousy ruined what, if any, relationship I would have had with my brother. He’s 10 years older than me & had those 10 extra years with our parents before I came along. So the story was, he was an accident & I wasn’t. Mom & Dad didn’t decide to get married until they decided to have me. My Dad resented my brother, in a way, because he wasn’t ready to have a child when my brother came along. My brother has mistreated me, disrespected me and undermined me every chance he got and gets.
He resented the fact that I am a female. I was always able to date easier than he was. He resented me because my Dad & I bonded, yet he never could. He was jealous of me because he wanted a motorcycle when he was growing up but my Dad would never let him because he said they were too dangerous but I got my horses when I was about 9. My brother got hooked on drugs and didn’t get his life in order again until he was about 30. Me being 20 when he finally got clean, I had my life in order, I was newly married and had a really good job…my parents recognized this and suggested I buy the family home from them. So I did. My brother hates me to this day because I still live in the house he & I grew up in. My parents were riddled with guilt from him so they more than made up for me having this house by making sure his bank accounts were fat, that his children were sent to the best private schools, that his wife who never worked a day in her life with him has the nicest, newest mom-mobile paid in full. If he falls a little short on a downpayment for a new house, he doesn’t have to sweat it – it’s taken care of and never needs to be repaid. The list is endless and even though I find it kinda disgusting, I’m not jealous in any way.
Needless to say, jealousy ruined any chance my brother & I had for any type of friendly relationship. Even now with my divorce, he hasn’t been there for me in any regard. It hurts. But I refuse to let him or his negativity bring me down.
I’ve learned now to be careful of what I ask for. Wanting my independence and having an overwhelming desire to just do it all on my own has put me right where I imagined I’d be as an adult. Nearly alone.
I wouldn’t trade it for anything else right now!
I’m a firm believer in “what comes around, goes around”. Maybe this is all my payback for things I’ve done to the people in my life. If so, I deserve it. If not, those who have wronged me will get theirs someday.
Comments